Sunday, November 29, 2009


Subject: Christmas Party at XYC Corporation

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the
giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty, Party Planner

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party Update

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty, The Party Planner


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to

handle this?


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


Patty, Party Planner

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party
or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy
baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be gladiola & lilac arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no
cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in
the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .
The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty, (You know who)

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: December 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at
the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

Patty, The Bitch from Hell!!!


Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!


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