Monday, August 31, 2009


Dale's done it again. This is really funny, especially if you know my little home town and its nearby villages.

Texting and driving can get you or you and others killed, so don't do that. Talking on the cell phone comes in a close second, so don't do that if you can help it. However, you can eat all that you want. I know this from experience. I can drive and eat a four course meal and never get out of the lane. I can have a hamburger in one hand and a diet coke in the other and still turn on the lights, use the turn signals and pass other cars. I can do this because I have been doing this since I was twelve. That's right. I was big for my age and got by with driving not long after the training wheels on my bicycle were removed.

Over the years, I have noticed a ratio of miles to food. Some foods take longer to eat than others - thus more miles. Other foods can be scarfed down rather quickly. I can eat a bacon and egg breakfast biscuit in less than two stoplights. A hamburger can take as much as forty miles (but it takes fries with that to happen). By the way, when I mentioned a four course meal, that equals a burger, fries, milkshake, and a diet coke (because I am watching my calorie intake).

The distance between Wrens and Sandersville is one pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I have checked this out a great number of times (before and after heart surgery) and it is the same whether the ice cream has chunks of fruit or chocolate in it. A small Dairy Queen Blizzard will get you from Wrightsville to Tennille (a suburb of metropolitan Sandersville) - fifteen miles. You can't dawdle with ice cream. It melts. A diet coke can take me all 197 miles to Charleston, SC. The way I do that is with a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos. Just snack and sip. Three and a half hours later and I am there. The return trip requires an additional stop for an ice cream bar.

Tic Tacs are for when I am desperate. I also use them for sinus problems and for helping myself stay awake. Sneeze while you are swallowing one and your sinus problems are over for the rest of your life. One package of Tic Tacs will last about a month in my car.

Don't eat and drive with your pet in the car. You can't watch that many things at once. Check for ice cream on your dog's lower lip, but keep your eyes on the road. That is too much to do. About then the cell phone rings and you are in real trouble. Eat first, then chauffeur the dog. Never throw food or wrappings out of the car unless you are making a particular statement to a community or county. Pay attention if you do this. The fine can run upwards of a thousand dollars. Hamburger wrapping on the road, mustard on your lip, end of trial, guilty as charged!

How many calories to the mile do you get?

Dale Andrews

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