GRITS: LOVE 'EM OR LEAVE. JUST GET OUT

My friend Ray sent this to me and I'm sharing it with you. Grits is a good thing. Yes, a singular noun also.

Here's the story:

The History and Preparation of Grits

This is a true story about grits: Back in the 70's when I was working for the Center for Disease Control with HQ in Atlanta most of our training and meetings were in "Hotlanta." There was a small hotel in Buckhead where most of us stayed when attending these training sessions and meetings. I met a fellow worker from the mid west who liked to tell the story of his introduction to grits. He said his first morning at the hotel coffee shop he ordered eggs over easy, with ham, toast, and coffee.

The waitress brought him his eggs and ham as ordered but he had biscuits and some funny looking white stuff he had never seen. He liked the biscuits but the white stuff was bland and strange to his taste. He ordered the same thing next day and said the biscuits were okay but leave off the "white stuff." His order came as requested but again the "white stuff" came on his plate. After several days of this, he was adamant with the waitress who was about 35-40 and wiry, white lady that he did not want that "white stuff." When she brought his breakfast she roughly put the plate before him with the "white stuff" again, along with his order, and looked him straight in the eye and said, "This 'white stuff' is called GRITS and you can either learn to eat them or get your Yankee-Rear End back where you came from!" She turned and walked away, and he said he ate them out of fear of what would incur if he did not comply; and he ate grits happily ever after.

Bruce is no longer with us but that rough ole cowboy from Nebraska learned to cook and eat grits. Every time he visited me, he insisted on cooking them and telling me this story. Although he never told me, I bet he was drinking beer at night with that waitress before the week was over!

What Is Grits?

Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are Formed

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

NOTE: While dining at a Horn & Hardart Automat in New York City, in my naiveté I ordered what I thought was grits from the steam table. The server, probably a Puerto Rican national, nodded yes when I asked if the white stuff was grits. After adding generous amounts of butter, salt and pepper, I discovered the white stuff was Cream of Wheat--YUCK and double YUCK! I learned my lesson and am passing the incident along as a warning.

Historical Grits

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, the Grits was not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that the Grits was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and was kept from the public due to it's rarity. The next mention of the Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits,
for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits
V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as
toppings for thy Grits
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits
made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna
from heaven.

How to Cook Grits

For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.
Add 5 Tbsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done.
That's all there is to cooking grits.

How to make red eye gravy

Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan.
Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and
simmer for several minutes.
Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now begin eating your grits.

Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.) Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

(Leftover grits are extremely rare)

Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares.
Fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn
a golden brown.

WARNING: Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this
way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
IRISH BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS:
May the Lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
AMEN